Gaslighting (But Make It Romantic
I weaponized my bowels and he still cuddled me. If that’s not love, what is?
Since day one of this relationship, I’ve had one irrational but very real fear. Not that he’d ghost me. Not that he’d turn out to be a secret man-child. No. The real terror?
Farting. In. Front. Of. Him.
Because let’s be honest—there’s no coming back from a poorly timed butt trumpet. Once you break that seal, it’s either forever… or immediate singlehood with a side of shame.
And I was holding out strong, okay?
The early days were a masterclass in silent suffering. I’d feel the rumble, smile sweetly, and disappear into the bathroom like I was just “freshening up” when in reality I was praying my intestines didn’t betray me on the way there.
He knew. I told him. “One day it’ll happen, and I need you to promise you won’t leave me.”
He laughed. “It’s human,” he said. “I’ll be there when it happens.”
What a liar.
Fast forward to last night. We’re cuddled up, as always. This man will not sleep unless at least one of my limbs is physically draped over his body like a human blanket. We’re that couple. Disgustingly in love.
I fall asleep. Life is good. Romance is alive.
Then he turns away from me.
Rude, but okay. I instinctively reach out in my sleep to pull him back, because OBVIOUSLY we must be in contact at all times.
He groans:
“No… don’t do that.”
The audacity. I’m thinking—what? Why?! Did I elbow him? Did I snore like a chainsaw?
No.
This morning, he’s doubled over laughing, gasping for air between cackles.
He finally gets the words out:
“You FARTED. In your sleep. It was SO BAD I said ‘ew’ out loud. I turned away but the fan BLEW IT RIGHT BACK INTO MY FACE. And when you pulled me in? I thought you were trying to kill me.”
I committed a biological hate crime in my sleep.
I crop-dusted my boyfriend and then cuddled him into it like a fart assassin.
So yeah. We’re soulmates now.
I’m free. I’m unchained. I’m no longer terrified.
Here’s to love, weaponized wind, and the next level of our relationship:
Snuggle farts and zero shame.
💀💨❤️
Truly awesome, both you and Rod 💕
When you can share everything.....you know it is true love ❤️.