Gaslighting (But Make It Romantic

I weaponized my bowels and he still cuddled me. If that’s not love, what is?

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Since day one of this relationship, I’ve had one irrational but very real fear. Not that he’d ghost me. Not that he’d turn out to be a secret man-child. No. The real terror?

Farting. In. Front. Of. Him.

Because let’s be honest—there’s no coming back from a poorly timed butt trumpet. Once you break that seal, it’s either forever… or immediate singlehood with a side of shame.

And I was holding out strong, okay?
The early days were a masterclass in silent suffering. I’d feel the rumble, smile sweetly, and disappear into the bathroom like I was just “freshening up” when in reality I was praying my intestines didn’t betray me on the way there.

He knew. I told him. “One day it’ll happen, and I need you to promise you won’t leave me.”

He laughed. “It’s human,” he said. “I’ll be there when it happens.”

What a liar.

Fast forward to last night. We’re cuddled up, as always. This man will not sleep unless at least one of my limbs is physically draped over his body like a human blanket. We’re that couple. Disgustingly in love.

I fall asleep. Life is good. Romance is alive.

Then he turns away from me.
Rude, but okay. I instinctively reach out in my sleep to pull him back, because OBVIOUSLY we must be in contact at all times.

He groans:
“No… don’t do that.”

The audacity. I’m thinking—what? Why?! Did I elbow him? Did I snore like a chainsaw?

No.

This morning, he’s doubled over laughing, gasping for air between cackles.
He finally gets the words out:

“You FARTED. In your sleep. It was SO BAD I said ‘ew’ out loud. I turned away but the fan BLEW IT RIGHT BACK INTO MY FACE. And when you pulled me in? I thought you were trying to kill me.”

I committed a biological hate crime in my sleep.
I crop-dusted my boyfriend and then cuddled him into it like a fart assassin.

So yeah. We’re soulmates now.
I’m free. I’m unchained. I’m no longer terrified.

Here’s to love, weaponized wind, and the next level of our relationship:
Snuggle farts and zero shame.

💀💨❤️