Let ‘er Rip

How I altered the brain development of my children with a fart.

It's a boys-only club, a woman’s societal faux pas. 

Many bodily elements and functions the human body exhibits are not allowed to be accepted by women. Showing body hair is revolting, yet long, luscious headlocks are of “feminine” quality. Women bear the weight of shame of menstruation. Many before us have hidden, and many continue to hide in embarrassment, and god forbid blood leaks through our pants. Many men gag in revolt at our naturally occurring bodily function, going as far as never touching a box of tampons while simultaneously prancing around, convinced they own a woman’s vagina to fuck whenever they feel like it. Women are kicked out of their careers for aging and rocking gray hair while men continue to make their way to the top of the corporate ladder while their gray hair makes them ‘wise’ and a ‘Zaddy.’

Definition. Zaddy: a sexually attractive man, especially an older one who is fashionable or charismatic.

 Men hold burping contests and take 45 mins to take a shit, strutting out of the bathroom as if they just won a marathon. Women burp with their lips closed and swallow it to be dainty, and we shit Skittles. 

There is one four-letter bodily function in the cult I was born and raised in when conjoined with the word brain, was a word I was prohibited from speaking. It was “unbecoming of a woman.” Social media videos have convinced young boys that girls don't do it, or young girls hold it to the brink of explosion and release it in a black-out basement chokey. 

Fart. 

Choose your fighter. Farting. Flatulence. Pass gas. Break wind. Cut one loose. In my home, my children have chosen Let ‘er Rip’ as theirs. 

As a progressive parent of five, two of whom right now are boys and three of whom are girls, all that we discuss is not gender-specific, and nothing is off the table or labelled as a ridiculous topic. I will not raise ignorant adults so they are all well-versed in the menstrual cycle and what different products are available. I've always informed them of the need for all things chocolate, cuddly and warm during this monthly period. They have reached the level of understanding that when I am on my period, they ask if there is anything I need. They know mine is every twenty eight days and can use a calendar. I preach the rule of consent as though they are one crime away from life in jail without bail. But when it comes to girls farting, unbeknownst to me, the boys have been living their lives, convinced by YouTube and playground gossip that girls don't. 

I was pretty sure I had farted in front of them before because I am no Miss. Trunchbull, chokey owner but to my comedic relief, I altered the trajectory of their brain development just last week. 

Spoiler Alert: I Let ‘er Rip, and yes, I am a vagina owner. 

Vagina, vagina, vagina. In this house, we say vagina.

Picture it with me: my oldest son, who is eleven and in his awkward pre-teen stage, is leaning on the back of the couch, which acts as a three-and-a-half-foot wall between the living room and the kitchen. He is talking to his nine-year-old brother, standing just a few feet away at the kitchen sink when I walk past and pass gas. When I say the head flip he performed gives wind gusts a run for its money, it is no exaggeration. His eyes popped, and his jaw dropped. Under his breath, I heard him utter, “I guess girls do fart.” 

Farts are funny, but I guffawed at his comment. I didn't hold an hour-long conversation while shaking my head at his nonsensical held belief because my action and reaction exceeded the impact a conversation about farts could ever accomplish. 

Amid my laughter, I blurted out, “Of course, girls fart,” and then the house erupted with giggles from everyone. Now, we may or may not have fart wars and be warned, I'm highly competitive. Ain't no shame in my game.

There are a multitude of memes and gifs that speak of the moment you know a woman loves their partner. It is when they fart in front of them. I've read my fair share of comments and have heard from my women friends in relationships, some for twenty plus years, that to this day, they have not and will not fart in the vicinity of their partner. Social conditioning has convinced and shamed women into believing many of our natural bodily functions are grotesque and render us worthy of judgment. 

So, if my children grow up and enter into relationships with women, to their future partners, you're welcome. 

While I openly admit to being a vagina owner that flatulates, don't be fooled; I continue to only shit Skittles. 😉

Oh, and what's the cult word I was prohibited to speak? 

It's Brainfart.