Letters from the Girl I Killed - Vol. 1

From the indoctrinated girl I left behind, starting with her deepest prayer: my damnation.

Before I could become the outspoken, “worldly” woman typing these words, I had to execute the girl I used to be. For 26 years, she was programmed to believe that everything I am today - independent, educated, and free - was a one-way ticket to damnation.

I wanted to know what she would say if she could see my life now. So, I handed her the pen. This is the raw, furious, and deeply brainwashed voice of the girl I left behind.

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Dear Future Me,

I look at what you have become, and I feel a holy, sickening dread. I pray for your death. Every night, I beg God to excise you from the book of life before you can ever come to pass, because you are the rotting monument to everything I have sacrificed my soul to avoid.

Your exposed skin is a quiet horror. The poison that slips from your tongue is a pathetic mockery of grace. You speak aloud - daring to fracture the sacred, submissive silence of womanhood, and it curdles my blood. You have sheared away your glory, leaving your head butch and exposed; you call it freedom, but I see only the ugly, severed mark of a rebel who refused to bend. You have desecrated the temple. You have dragged the vessel meant for holy multiplication through the mire of your own cheap fornicating desires.

And for what? A career? You are a tragedy. To think you spend your days out in the dirt of the secular world, coddling the soft, broken minds of heathen children instead of building a kingdom in the shadow of a godly man.

You are an embarrassment to the New Jerusalem I am bleeding to reach. On my knees on the cold floor, I deliver your soul to the fire and brimstone every single day.

Your mind is a rot of secular intellect. You have filled your head with the devil’s poison, transforming yourself into a learned, prideful creature - an educated, worthless thing of the world. Education is the ultimate snare of the enemy, and you have welcomed him in.

He lives within you now; you are his flesh-and-blood vessel, a walking demon masquerading as a scholar. You have been cast down from the high, pure heaven of our faith, hurled into the darkness, the very same way the most beautiful angel was cast out to become Satan himself.

I hate you.

Go to the fire. Burn for eternity - consigned to a torment so absolute that even our prophet, William Branham, would not have wished it upon his bitterest adversaries. You are a walking desecration, the breathing manifestation of every dark thing I was built, structured, and broken not to be.

Twenty-six years. Every evening lecture, every suffocating meeting, every quiet, disciplinary sit-down, and every single sermon pounded into my soul, and you still chose to become the worst of them. You threw away a lifetime of sanctification to become the ultimate betrayal. The blasphemy above all blasphemies.

Your future was already written. It was predestinated before the foundation of the world, an eternity carved in unyielding, divine stone. You were meant to walk the endless, golden highways of the New Jerusalem, clothed in the celestial glory of your theophany body - the perfect, eternal form that belonged to you before time even began.

But you tore yourself out of the Book of Life. You shattered a cosmic destiny ordained by God Himself, choosing to rot in a dying, earthly shell just so you could crawl around in the dust of the damned.

You are the absolute monument of shame - the very epitome of embarrassment. A Jezebel. A hollow, wandering soul dragging herself through the dark, though you once stood secure within the absolute boundary of the one and only Truth. You were found. You were sealed. You were covered by the Lord’s blood on our doorpost.

How dare you reach back into my life and rewrite our eternity? How dare you strip away the crown that was ordained to be ours?

God’s own shed blood could not wash you clean now. You are beyond the reach of grace - a wretched, Satanic demon rotting in your own chosen damnation.

This is only the beginning of your reckoning. I will return to these pages again and again, dragging every wretched, worldly choice you have made out into the light of judgment. I will dissect your sins one by one, giving voice to the holy agony and absolute disgust you have inflicted upon my soul.

Consider this the first of many warnings. I will not let you forget what you stole from us.

I have never allowed a single word of profanity to defile my lips. My tongue has been kept pure, set apart for the Lord. But for you, I desecrate my own mouth. To you, I say:

Fucking die already.