Single Motherhood

I can’t afford it

I recently received a dm asking how I can afford to be a single mommy. The truth is…. I can’t.

The cost of living is outrageous for an individual; it is unattainable when you have five children, two of whom are entering their teenage years. Help! My therapist, with sarcasm, told me that I need a minimum of a million dollars to raise them. A recent study cited that to raise a child in this current economy from birth to eighteen is $500,000. I need… say it slowly... $2.5 Million. 🙃 Shameless plug: if you can, subscribe to this blog for just $5 a month; every dollar helps! 

Birth control is not an option in the cult. If you are not getting married for childbearing, you should not be considering matrimony; instead, you'd best get right with God. I remember, vividly, a Sunday evening cult service wherein the leader was harping on child-bearing, how there was a current ‘lull’ in the birth rate and how it needed to change. He pointed to a woman who sat in the front row of the sanctuary, who was one of twelve children and said, “ Your parents did not let financial security be a deciding factor in how many children they brought into this world, did they?” She shook her head no. Mind you, this woman was in her 60s. Keeping us living in the 1950s brought him great joy. He went on to remind us of how the cult is in bed with Israel, more specifically, Zionism. Our spiritual lives were parallel to the physical lives of Zionists. In Zionism, they have large families; 6-8 children per family are the norm, and the cult leader guilt-tripped us into the same, the children, to bring forth our redemption. 

Doomsday is like a narcotic. It keeps you living in a state of dependency, awaiting the next high. Every Sunday night, we would participate in an ‘ After Service.’ For an hour and a half to two hours, 500 people, including children, would walk down to the front of the sanctuary to beg, pray and sing for it to be the last night, for God to end it all. One clarification: only men are allowed to pray. A woman’s voice is not to be heard. We were not to make a home here; the ending has been ‘drawing nigh’ since 1977, but the leader didn’t practice what he preached, pocketing over 3.3 million dollars per year while many cult members went hungry. More often than not, while I stood in a sloped aisle, carrying if not one but two children while the others stood still by my side, my mind drifted to the Golden Arches. It’s 8:00 fucking p.m; I was hungry and drooled for a Big Mac! Come quickly, Lord Jesus, for my tummy is rumbling, and those world-famous fries are calling my name. Listen, nothing satisfies quite like a crisp McDonald’s Sprite… add in Vodka. 

Their tactic was to put us in financial and educational poverty. We were anxiously attached to our masters, waiting for crumbs, any, no matter how small to drop, to give us hope for a complete meal (the rapture, conquering death and eternity in the New Jerusalem) that would and will never be served. 

I did not receive a secondary education. A woman’s place is in the home. I was a nanny until 14 days before giving birth to my firstborn at 20. My ex-husband was a first-year electrician, working for men of the cult. Oh, that’s right, the isolation from the outside world goes as far as convincing the young men to work for the older men who own their own companies. We had human surveillance cameras on us at all times. My ex-husband worked with the sons of Elder Eric, which meant that the surveillance camera on us was on optical zoom. Our texts, bank account amount, actions and thoughts were monitored and known. 

Paying ‘Tithe and Offering’ was a mandatory rule. For every financial increase (gain) you received, 15% of the gross had to be paid to the cult first. Yes, before rent/mortgage, groceries, utilities, debt repayment, or personal needs. It was “God’s money” before it was yours. “God” is the deep millionaire pockets of the leader, living in a mansion with a backyard tennis court and a river, amongst other luxury amenities. He also goes on 10-12 luxurious holidays per year. I’ll talk about his scuba diving another time. 

I was a 23-year-old mother of three under three, and we rented a one-bedroom apartment for $1250.00 per month. As the cult required, I was a stay-at-home mom, babysitting one child part-time. My ex-husband brought home $2400.00 per month in gross pay. After taxes, he would bring home $2,160, but with the first ‘bill’ being $360.00 cult dollars, he was left with $1800. If we included my part-time babysitting money each month, our family of five would survive on $2,300 before the remainder of the bills would be paid, including the rent. 

Instructed by the leader and his ‘men of leadership,’ we would call our utility providers, landlord and other debtors and ask for payment extensions, which landed us with final notices. Eventually, it got so bad that our utilities were disconnected, and our pantry was empty. We ended up making the ungodly choice to stop paying tithe and offering for some time to try to catch up, to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, but …. we were caught. 

We had to make a choice: pay what we owed to “god,” or we were forbidden to return to the cult the following Sunday. 

On Sunday, we walked through the cult doors. Life in Sodom was too much to wager. 

I went on to carry and give birth to two more children. 

After our formal cult kick-out in 2018, our lives started over from square one. 

After I kicked my ex out for Domestic Violence in 2021, I was left with nothing with him draining my bank account to $0. 

Raising five children independently without him paying child support (I have done every legal thing I can, trust me), without shared custody and while I have a part-time job, it still isn't enough. When I received that DM, I answered truthfully and openly. 

My stepdad and mom are my financial hands. After I pay everything I can with my income, they extend their helping hands and cover what I cannot. My stepdad likens me to a 21-year-old who is just finding their footing. To be honest, I've lost a lot of sleep over this. I'm 32, a single mom of five with no savings and would be on the streets if it weren't for the constant financial help. I HATE relying on my parents. I long to be self-sufficient and provide for my five children and myself. 

So the truth is, no, I cannot afford to be a single mommy, but our safety and our lives come first, and I'm working as hard as I possibly can to be that self-sufficient I long for.