The Devil Works Hard

But I work harder

My therapist has taught me that humans can simultaneously hold and experience more than one emotion. It isn't one or the other; it is one and another.

I grieve the life I should have lived and be living while simultaneously leaning into, with all of my gusto, the life I do live.

It isn't easy, and I sound like a broken record when I say that the life I do live is impossible, but in the impossible, I choose to make it possible. I prefer to shine, with the same audacity as a while man.

As a woman, the opportunity for secondary education was proscribed in the cult.

As a brilliant woman, as the years passed and I settled into marriage and motherhood, darkness filled the space where that A+ student once shone.

The thing about being raised and taught to be a wife and mother is that it makes you fucking outstanding at it. I began babysitting at 9, was a nanny from when I turned sixteen, and was a nanny right up until the birth of my firstborn in 2012. Not long after his birth, I opened my Dayhome. For the eleven years that followed, and through my following four pregnancies, I poured my heart and soul into the lives of over fifty children I loved from 6:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. Monday through Friday. I kept my door open without charge when families needed me after hours or during emergencies. I remember the first family that signed up and everyone that ran into my heart until June 2023 when I closed my Dayhome doors. The first child I cared for is now sixteen years old. 🥲

Children are what I know, and while I know that without a doubt, children would not have been my path if not for the cult, that’s not my life path, and I connect with children on a beautiful level of understanding.

I have cared for children with all needs, and no one received less compassion, love, or care based on their level of need. I did not take the care of families' pride and joy lightly. All were always welcome in my home and my arms.

I cared for many from one-year-old until they began Kindergarten, and some up to ten. I was always humbled and proud when the parents shared their children’s teachers' praise regarding their children's readiness and success in school.

I went as far as developing a preschool program for my Dayhome.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for the children and families in my care. Just as much as they became a part of my family, I also became a part of theirs.

Children are excellent teachers if you open your eyes, ears, and heart to learn. For me, the children were the bright shining light into my darkness. Children love without judgment; it’s one of life’s greatest joys to witness, and I am fortunate to have received it from over fifty children from 2012 to 2023.

Today, the light of children’s education shines again into that darkness.

After thirty-three years filled with religious abuse, marital abuse, divorce, testifying at my ex’s criminal trial and winning, deconstruction, rivers of tears, severe feelings of failure, actual failures, therapy, and single motherhood of five children, I am PROUD AS FUCK to announce that this afternoon, I answered the phone and have been accepted into my first-ever paid internship program!!

This is the beginning of my schooling, my deep desire that the hands of men have locked up into the darkness of self.

I will study and train to care for and help educate children with special needs.

Upon completing and passing my internship, I can apply for full-time work beginning in the fall of 2025.

I have taught my children that being proud of yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give oneself, more critical than receiving the praise of others, and right now, I am incredibly proud of myself. This success didn't come quickly or easily; I have worked my fucking ass off both emotionally and physically to arrive here, and now, I raise the bar of my life yet again, never stagnant, never settling, constantly growing!

To my children, no matter the roadblocks, potholes, mountains to climb, or steps backward, life’s adventure takes you on one day; when you read this, I hope I've shown you tenacity, understanding, and strength the way you've shown me yours.

To those who are struggling and can’t see the light in the tunnel, I see and understand you. I empathize. I didn't think the light was going to shine for me, and here’s the shitty news, (well unless you're a nepo baby) you have to want it, crave it, need it, work for it, become true with yourself and be willing to risk and lose what is needed to end up where you are required to be and unfortunately, the life lesson I despise the most is relevant here; Timing is everything. Believe me, I’d rather eat a spider than learn that lesson again. Lol.

Light will shine if you're willing to enter and pass through darkness; it may differ from what you hoped for or expected, and it may take years (hello, thirty fucking three years here) BUT! be willing to accept the unexpected! The light could end up brighter.

Today, in my life, the light at the end of this thirty-three year long tunnel of darkness is now shining brightly; therefore, please join me in celebrating for you, dear readers, are a significant part of my success and support system.

You’re not alone, I'm with you every step of the way.

And remember…

The devil works hard, but WE work harder.

In Kindness,

Signed,

That Dubious Empowered Woman😏