Whispers from My Rolls

From High-Cortisol Skinny to Healing Curves: What “The Deepest Well” Taught Me About Childhood Trauma and Finally Feeling Safe Enough to Soften

Oh, friends, gather ‘round because I’ve got a story that’s been bubbling up in me like a warm cup of tea on a rainy day. It is equal parts eye-opening and “oh, honey, that explains so much.”

For more than a decade, I stayed stuck at 119 pounds, even after carrying and welcoming five little ones into the world. I’d “bounce back” so quickly that I was slipping into my old clothes before the hospital doors even swung shut behind me. Everyone saw it as some kind of magic trick, but deep down, I wondered what the real story was.

The compliments came pouring in, sweet as pie but sometimes stinging like a paper cut you didn’t see coming. “You look incredible - what’s your secret? Those genes of yours are gold; you’re so fortunate!” Or the one that always made me chuckle inwardly: “You? A mom? No way, you’re far too slim for that!” Well, yes, these kiddos are very much mine, birthed and beloved. What else could I say? A quick laugh and a nod usually did the trick.

In those moments, I held back from sharing the fuller picture: “You know, I grew up navigating religious hell - childhood adversity, teen pregnancy, and an abusive marriage; I’ve been carrying echoes of trauma that keep my stress levels humming like a busy beehive. That high cortisol? It’s why my body stayed lean. It is not from luck or effort, but from the weight of what I’ve been through.” Maybe spilling that would have turned the tide on those offhand remarks, inviting a bit more kindness instead.

But here’s the beautiful twist, the part that’s got me smiling through happy tears these days: I’m finally softening up, quite literally. These gentle rolls you see in the photo? They’re new arrivals, and they’re whispering tales of healing.

I began diving into “The Deepest Well” by Nadine Burke Harris, M.D. this week, which has been like finding a map to buried treasure. The book explains how toxic stress from repeated or prolonged adversity hijacks the body’s fight-or-flight response. This floods the system with stress hormones like cortisol, altering brain development, immune function, and even gene expression (epigenetic changes that can pass to future generations). It literally “gets under the skin,” contributing to diseases like heart disease, cancer, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, and mental health issues decades later.

It’s not about “bouncing back” to who I was; it’s about growing forward into who I’m becoming, with a little more cushion and a lot more peace.

Healing isn’t always linear or picture-perfect, but it’s worth every step. Sometimes, a few extra curves are just your body’s way of saying, “We’re safe now - let’s live.” I know that’s what mine is saying!

So here’s to my education while holding space for the heartache and grief as I heal.