‘Unbecoming Woman.’

I lived in fear of my own laugh.

Kitchen Floor, December 2021

It’s December 31, 2021 and you’ll find me lying on my hardwood kitchen floor.

Allow me to take you back to an evening in 2010. I’m 18, my boyfriend is over and we are sitting on the couch in my new home, six inches apart of course; courtship rule. ‘Blackberry’ was the smartphone of choice with BBM the only form of ‘social media’ at our fingertips. Due to cult rule, we couldn’t change our profile photo often but when we did, the chosen photo would garner attention and have the wheel in the rumour mill spinning.

With a snap here, a snap there and one too many bad angles later, we finally snapped one that I was happy with. We had captured a selfie that would have the rumour mill wheel spinning. We both had made a silly face, I with my tongue sticking out in harmless teenager fun. We posted it as our new BBM profile photos and went about our day. However, it didn’t take long before *Eric noticed our new profile photos and our silliness became the impetus to another late night subjugation. As I stared at him in that Lazy Boy recliner of his, he filled up with Assistant Pastor embarrassment. With disgust, *Eric spoke, “Breanna, it is unbecoming of a soon to be married woman to make silly faces. You take that photo down, immediately.” Twenty-one words is all it took. Twenty-one words strung together stifled me. Twenty-one words, internalized, controlling and influencing many a decision I would go on to make. There was always something to be corrected in everything I did. There was a lesson I had to learn even when there was nothing to be taught. It was my responsibility to keep the peace even though it came at the cost of living my life. From that moment forward, I wrestled with the sound of joy. It terrified me.

As I lay here on my kitchen floor in eerie silence, the eruption of laughter has begun. I hear it. Is it the laughter of my children? Friends? TikTok? Perhaps an Instagram reel? The possibility is great but tonight, the laughter is mine, all mine. It’s not a common sound but it isn’t unfamiliar. It’s uncomfortable and I’m nervous but no one is around to yell at me or tell me it’s ‘unbecoming.’ It’s just floor and I. Genuine laughter is consuming me and I am losing control. The chains of an ‘unbecoming woman’ are breaking. The devil on my left shoulder is screaming, “You’re laughing, Bre, you’re LAUGHING!” I’m vibrating, feeling every sensation around me. I’m awakening. I’m hot then I’m cold. I can’t catch my breath but I am breathing. Panic is rising and I’m releasing it through the laughter. “That’s it, laugh Bre, laugh!”

A death and a birth happened that night. I am unaware of the length of time in which I laughed for nor do I know the total amount of minutes I laid on the kitchen floor. As I stood up, I looked back and said, “goodbye” to a woman I no longer was and, “hello” to a woman I couldn’t wait to live with.

Who would you choose?

For eleven years, I hid that laugh and when I did laugh, I did with trepidation. I winced when I smiled and not one silly face did I make. What if I laughed at the wrong thing or what if the way I laughed was problematic? The repercussions that awaited me would end my safety net as I knew it. With the outside world a ‘purgatory,’ repressing my silliness and laughter was a worthy sacrifice.

Today, I laugh and enjoy my laughter. One of my greatest qualities is my humour. Sure, call me pretty but if I make you laugh, that’s one of the greatest compliments you can give to me. I feel the laugh vibrations as they pour out of my heart and into the world. When I laugh or make others laugh, listen, for the sound of an ‘unbecoming woman’ has such a beautiful tone and if I lose control, I’ll snort! As someone close to me once said, “every time we have a call, you have me laughing.” As I like to say, “If we ain’t laughin’ we cryin’!” Thank fuck I begin therapy in January! ( Hey, I had my therapist laughing during our consult! 😂)

My oldest son asked me if magic is real. It may not be in card tricks or in the pulling of a rabbit out of a hat but it’s real and it surrounds us in the simplicity of life. Magic happened on my hardwood kitchen floor, December 31, 2021. When found, never let it go and if you have it, I hope you never lose it. Let us fill this world with more laughter, it needs the magic that each laugh possesses and you can be sure that mine is taking its place, snort included.

That’s it, laugh Dear Reader, laugh!

*Names except mine have been changed to protect identity.